Tag: friendship

A heart’s infinite ability

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As you know, I have been very reflective of my relationships of late. People to draw toward, to draw away from, to learn how to still love and hold dear friendships that may not always meet my expectations, to have more respect for the time I invest, both in others and myself (I can very easily make plans all the nights with all the people and neglect my relationship with ME).

This has been, thus far, one of the best years of my life. I have celebrated milestone birthdays in Vegas; I have wine tasted in Northern California with friends are the kind of friends that are just…. home to my heart; I have driven to Western Puget Sound to spend time with my weight loss family; I spent a week in Boston with someone who thinks so much like me, we often say what the other is thinking, a woman I just adore beyond measure; I reconnected with an old friend who now lives in Hull, MA; I have traveled to celebrate one of my dearest friends’ birthday in full St. Patrick’s Day style, laughing so so hard and officially earning a new nickname within the group; I have had good conversations with a few ex boyfriends/ ex lovers/ ex  whatevers; I have spent quality time with my brother, who is my absolute favorite person in the world; and I have watched my grandmother, who is in her 80’s, take our entire family down in Cards Against Humanity. I am experiencing live as a wife … who has a husband. That is weird. And amazing. And … it’s just become this quiet depth I cannot put words to. It’s been so so much good. I have eaten fine food and drunk fine wines and I’ve just had SO MUCH LOVE and joy.

The more I make space for myself, and my marriage, and for listening to myself in regards to other relationships with friends and family, the more I feel my heart expanding. The more I feel my soul take deep, satisfying sighs that are both silent and loud all at the same time. I feel a sense of peace I haven’t felt in a long time.

I spent a day and night with a friend I’ve known 16 years, but haven’t seen in about 9 (I’d guess). It was like not a day had passed other than… we’ve lived a lot of life in those 9 years and had much to catch up on. But the spark that has always drawn me to her is still there, is still burning bright. This woman… she is gold. Pure gold. And when she left this morning, my chest actually hurt. I drove to an appointment with my hand over my chest, just… feeling my heart beat, aching. And it wasn’t sadness or loss, it was simply just bursting with happiness and love. And although, rationally, we all know this, it was one of those strong emotional “ah-ha” moments of the truly infinite nature of one’s heart. How blessed I am to be able to so fully and genuinely love so many different kinds of people in so many different kinds of ways.  How  GRATEFUL I am, also, to feel so much love from others.

I am simply fulfilled in the most delightful ways. And I needed to express my gratitude for that… to you, to myself, to the universe.

How 2017 will be different

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I’m a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I generally work really hard to meet the goals I set for myself each year and some years I set a lot and some years I set a few and some years I kick ass and some years not so much. I feel accomplished when my goal is achieved but I don’t let it get me too down when a goal is not achieved, but rather, I use that as more information on how I can improve the next time I try.

I have been thinking about 2016 coming to a close and 2017 as a clean slate ahead and all that comes to mind is how I want 2017 to be different. Not clear “resolutions” like I typically do, but general themes in which I want to see some shifting, some easing in, some thoughtful purpose towards.

So what does that mean? Let me share….

2017 is the year I will lose the regain I’ve had in the last 18 months. I know that sounds very typical of a standard New Year Resolution “I want to lose X pounds” and I don’t suppose it really is any different. For me, though, I really am going to have to fake it until I make it. I need a complete diet overhaul. I am committing to a full ketogenic diet for the first 5.5 weeks of the new year. That will be enough time to see how I feel eating in such a way and see if I  have any positive side effects such as weight loss, reduction in cravings, more energy, etc. While losing the weight I’ve put on is VERY important to me, feeling great and being healthy is my primary motivator. As always, an attempt more to change my relationship with food than anything else. Why only 5.5 weeks you ask? My husband and I are being gifted a wine tasting trip to Santa Rosa, CA and while I don’t intend to just jump into baguettes and ice cream, I do expect I’ll taste some wine. Then I can come home, reassess and either continue on, or find another plan.

2017 is the year I incorporate yoga and/or Pilates in to my workout routine. I’ve had this one before and yoga is difficult for me, but I know my body needs it. I am very good at weight lifting. I am begrudging at cardio. And I feel like I need to find a balance between lifting, cardiovascular exercise and stretching. I have already scheduled my first Pilates class for January 3rd. 🙂

2017 is the year when I will try harder to nurture the friendships who care to nurture my friendship in return. I am a really good and loyal friend and I deserve friends who are responsive; who make me a priority; who make me feel valued and important. Two way streets are my goal. Which also means spending more time and energy on those friendships I recognize as maybe I haven’t been as equal in giving myself to as I should. I will be the friend I expect someone else to be… and if someone can’t meet me in the middle, I will recognize that and let it lie where it is.

2017 is the year I change my relationship with alcohol. More breaks, less excess, more appreciation, less recklessness. That’s all I need to say about that right now, but it is in the forefront of my mind as something I need to do for myself. I don’t always believe this, but I think, deep down, I know I’m a worthwhile and fun person, even if I go to social events and only have club soda. It has been known to happen.

2017 as a whole may end up looking very different than we’re used to on a national level, but for me, in my world, I’m going to work on the things I do have control over. On things I can do better at. On ways in which I can make my life, and the lives of those nearest to me, happier and more fulfilled. These are the ways 2017 is going to look different for me. I will walk into the year expecting all of these things to be true and will work hard on a physical, emotional, spiritual level, to remain consistent in what I want to see and how I want to feel next year.

How do you want your 2017 to be different?

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