Category: Fitness

Double title: Don’t ruin a perfectly nice compliment vs. what makes you assume…..?

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I was feeling a bit confused on what I should title this blog entry. You’ll see why… On one hand, is it a lesson of the backhanded compliment or a lesson of making assumptions? I don’t know. I haven’t decided. You choose.

So I’m at the gym today, doing back day, which is my least favorite day, for two reasons. 1. I have a weak and easily injured back and have to be super careful with my form and lift pretty light and 2. it incorporates floor exercises like planks and weighted hip thrusts and so on that I find so dreadfully boring. It should be noted that I only did one of three rounds of those exercises today because… ugh. Most days I win at my workout and today was no different, but I did call it a day 2 rounds early. I still got over an hour of a good sweat in so…. I’m okay with it.

I’ve mentioned before that when I get to the gym, I get into my zone. I do my cardio during my one minute “rest” periods between sets and my music choice makes or breaks my zone for the day. I am very specific and particular about the music I have on my work out play list and (sidenote, by the way) sometimes I listen to the same 3 songs over and over again because that’s the way I’m feeling that day. Some days it’s all 80’s hair bands. Most days it’s a blend of all the things. *I’m off track here* MY POINT IS>>>> I get my groove on. I dance, I bop around, I lip sync. I don’t care. I’m having fun and if it’s not fun for me, I won’t do it.

I usually am ignored (preferred) or get side eye (whatever, who cares, I have no shame) when I’m dancing around the gym and busting my ass, but today there was a gentleman I could tell was kind of keeping an eye on me. We exchanged smiles and a brief hello as we moved around each other in the same space. Just as I was calling my first round of floor exercises also my last round, he came up and introduced himself. We’ll call him Dan (his name was not Dan); he was in VERY good shape and, as I found out a minute from now, was 65 and a retired track coach. Awesome! He shook my hand and said “I’ve been working out my entire life an have never seen anyone bring the party to the gym the way you do.” And he said it with mad respect. I was tickled pink! I exclaimed “THANK YOU! I have so much fun and just jive out to my tunes and it makes my work out so much better!” We chatted for a few minutes and it was very pleasant and then, at least for me, turned a bit backwards.

Keep in mind I have zero doubt that this gentleman was coming from a very well meaning place, and that he really, truly did have mad respect and admiration for WHAT HE COULD SEE of me and what I was doing there. He then proceeded to tell me about his friend who lost nearly 400 pounds in 3 years with a combination of diet and exercise. And about a facebook group that provided him with fitness motivation. And how diet and staying active is so important to weight loss. And so on.

*PAUSE*….. I’m a fat woman. I know this. I have taken drastic measures to not be. I have weighed less. I have weight A LOT more. Alas, I am still a fat woman. But I’m still a success story. ALL I WANTED was to be able to walk and move with some level of ease and without debilitating foot pain. To maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle. Check, check, check. Goal achieved. Do I hope to take off my regain? Absolutely. Do I work every day to make the best choices for my overall health? No question. Do I hate myself because I’m still heavy? FUCK NO. I bust my ass. I am relatively smart and funny, I’m educated, I’m an awesome fucking person and friend and family member and wife and employee. My weight does not define me. *granted, I think I’m just now finally figuring that out, but you catch my drift here, yes?*

So what’s the problem, right? I walked home from my workout and the conversation just wasn’t settling well. Again, I reiterate that I fully recognize that he was trying to give me kudos and make comment on my awesomeness (because duh); but what was bothering me was… why would he assume I was trying to lose weight? Why would he take it upon himself to provide advice or insight on how to lose weight? Not all fat girls want to be thin. Not all thin girls want to be thin! As my husband would say “none of us have the body we want” and as Fergie would say, I was just there “working on my fitness.” Granted, my arms are flying everywhere. I try to keep my belly tucked away, but I can’t do anything about my booty and jiggly thighs. And it’s okay, gosh darn it.

Here’s the thing. I don’t look at Ashley Graham and think “she’s so pretty and fantastic, but poor girl just can’t get the weight off.

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You know what I think when I see this photo? I am mad jelly that I have two tummy rolls that prevent me from wearing a two piece (even a tankini is questionable for my body). She’s fucking gorgeous and her confidence EXUDES from her. I bet she eats well and works out. I bet she does things to take care of her body and treat it like the temple that it is.

You know what I see when I look at this picture?

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YOU GO GIRL! I think, that person is curvy and sweaty and HAPPY. Overweight? Yeah, I guess, that’s true, too, but it’s not the first thing I see (shocking, I know). If this person was not me, I wouldn’t see her at the gym and think “oh, good for her for trying to lose weight” I’d think “fuck yeah for working their shit, WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN for that person.” Do you see where I’m going with this?

“Good job” and … “here is some advice on how to lose weight” does not feel like the compliment I know it was intended to be. It feels bad. The TRUTH is, I AM working on losing weight. I am. But Dan doesn’t know that. And it shouldn’t be assumed that I want to be talked to about it when I’m busting my ass and dancing around and all smiles. Dan doesn’t know anything about me or where I’ve come from and it doesn’t feel good to have that journey be assumed by someone you have never met. For all he knows, I’m not trying to lose weight at all and am perfectly content. I can talk weight loss and struggles and successes and failures and hear difficult feedback and thoughts and advice from people who KNOW me and know what my daily struggles are. I welcome those conversations because they are coming from people who are like my family.

But, Dan, “you rock and keep up the great work” would have sufficed.

I’m going to make it my personal mission to tell five people in the next week that I recognize their hard work. Period. No “but” and no advice. Just a non assumptive, good ‘ole recognition of their awesomeness.

End Rant. Happy Easter Weekend, friends! ❤

How 2017 will be different

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I’m a big fan of New Year’s resolutions. I generally work really hard to meet the goals I set for myself each year and some years I set a lot and some years I set a few and some years I kick ass and some years not so much. I feel accomplished when my goal is achieved but I don’t let it get me too down when a goal is not achieved, but rather, I use that as more information on how I can improve the next time I try.

I have been thinking about 2016 coming to a close and 2017 as a clean slate ahead and all that comes to mind is how I want 2017 to be different. Not clear “resolutions” like I typically do, but general themes in which I want to see some shifting, some easing in, some thoughtful purpose towards.

So what does that mean? Let me share….

2017 is the year I will lose the regain I’ve had in the last 18 months. I know that sounds very typical of a standard New Year Resolution “I want to lose X pounds” and I don’t suppose it really is any different. For me, though, I really am going to have to fake it until I make it. I need a complete diet overhaul. I am committing to a full ketogenic diet for the first 5.5 weeks of the new year. That will be enough time to see how I feel eating in such a way and see if I  have any positive side effects such as weight loss, reduction in cravings, more energy, etc. While losing the weight I’ve put on is VERY important to me, feeling great and being healthy is my primary motivator. As always, an attempt more to change my relationship with food than anything else. Why only 5.5 weeks you ask? My husband and I are being gifted a wine tasting trip to Santa Rosa, CA and while I don’t intend to just jump into baguettes and ice cream, I do expect I’ll taste some wine. Then I can come home, reassess and either continue on, or find another plan.

2017 is the year I incorporate yoga and/or Pilates in to my workout routine. I’ve had this one before and yoga is difficult for me, but I know my body needs it. I am very good at weight lifting. I am begrudging at cardio. And I feel like I need to find a balance between lifting, cardiovascular exercise and stretching. I have already scheduled my first Pilates class for January 3rd. 🙂

2017 is the year when I will try harder to nurture the friendships who care to nurture my friendship in return. I am a really good and loyal friend and I deserve friends who are responsive; who make me a priority; who make me feel valued and important. Two way streets are my goal. Which also means spending more time and energy on those friendships I recognize as maybe I haven’t been as equal in giving myself to as I should. I will be the friend I expect someone else to be… and if someone can’t meet me in the middle, I will recognize that and let it lie where it is.

2017 is the year I change my relationship with alcohol. More breaks, less excess, more appreciation, less recklessness. That’s all I need to say about that right now, but it is in the forefront of my mind as something I need to do for myself. I don’t always believe this, but I think, deep down, I know I’m a worthwhile and fun person, even if I go to social events and only have club soda. It has been known to happen.

2017 as a whole may end up looking very different than we’re used to on a national level, but for me, in my world, I’m going to work on the things I do have control over. On things I can do better at. On ways in which I can make my life, and the lives of those nearest to me, happier and more fulfilled. These are the ways 2017 is going to look different for me. I will walk into the year expecting all of these things to be true and will work hard on a physical, emotional, spiritual level, to remain consistent in what I want to see and how I want to feel next year.

How do you want your 2017 to be different?

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The best anti-depressant

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Let me start by saying a few things, since it’s been a hot minute since I checked in.

1. I haven’t been to the gym in about one month.

2. My eating plan has coincided with that lack of activity and I’ve not been giving it my all on making the best and healthiest choices for myself.

3. In the past week, I’ve had some stuff happen in my personal life that has me feeling simultaneously split wide open and closed up tight, like I’m deep inside a war tank.

So. With all that being said, I have not felt my best self. I was deeply moved and inspired by my time in Nashville at the WLSFA conference and even more so when I saw one of my best, dear friends  have an epically amazing recovery from some very intensive plastic surgery that will yield her the results she was looking for and lend her to feel more herself than ever. It reminded me of my end goal. And the things I need to do to get there. And then shit sort of hit the fan in my personal life and I’ve been gasping for air since.

What does that mean? It means I spent three days pretty much eating whatever I wanted and binge drinking. Think wine, donuts, macaroni and cheese, champagne and …more wine. And melted cheese tortillas. Lots of those.

So there you go… it’s all laid out for you…  I coped for three days in a way that left me bloated, numb, tired and four pounds heavier on the scale. But I had set my limit with it. I was going to give myself those three days and I needed that numbness for those days to just get through. It did it’s job, I suppose. It’s a short term solution and it did it’s job. But I’m not one to sit on the pity pot for too long because how annoying is that? I can’t really stand myself too long like that.

Today, I did what any self respecting, goal-oriented, self loving woman would do; I got my food more in line and I went to the gym. And I lifted. I went hard, I sweat hard, I pushed hard. And although I’m not numb… I am certainly feeling… I at least feel prepared to cope. And it’s amazing (side note) how a body can remember. I haven’t lifted in a month and yet my body was, albeit a little bit weaker, in great form. And ready for the burn. I’m proud I’m exercising my right to engage in my best and most favorite anti-depressant – endorphines. ACCOMPLISHMENT and fitness do so much for my self esteem and emotional well being.  If you  haven’t tried it yet, I recommend you do. 🙂

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DAY ONE back at it! Upper body lift

Until then, life goes on and I’m putting one foot in front of the other, I have the support of SO many amazing people who love me, and I’ll be back at the gym tomorrow to get another good sweat on before my trip to Boston tomorrow night.

 

 

 

The Story of Us (me and my fat) Part Four

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I had considered weight loss surgery before I actually REALLY considered weight loss surgery. In part I rejected the idea because I personally didn’t feel comfortable with the lap-band or with the gastric bypass/ RNY options. I didn’t know about the sleeve surgery when I first started researching and once I did, I started giving it more thought. I also originally rejected VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) because, frankly, I didn’t want to give up all my favorite foods. I wanted to eat what I wanted when I wanted, as much as I wanted. But my weight was creeping back up scarily toward 300 and eventually I had just had enough. My feet and ankles hurt, my clothes were too tight and I was physically uncomfortable much of the time.

I had maintained a relatively healthy lifestyle for several years; I ate mostly Paleo, I tried to exercise regularly and I did at least one cleanse a year. Yes, I drank wine and ate carbs and didn’t move as much as I wanted to due to both my size and my heel spurts. But I couldn’t lose weight. When I made the decision in August 2013 to get the surgery, I went in full steam ahead. I had all my appointments within a few weeks, my date was set in late October and I was ready to start my new life.

To prepare myself, I spent hours and hours and hours on Facebook WLS (weight loss surgery) groups, talking to other WLS patients at different spots throughout their journey and watching YouTube videos. There is a whole community for weight loss surgery patients and I gained a wealth of knowledge from them. Although you cannot fully know what to expect until you go through it yourself, I had at least gathered enough experiences to know if something I was going through was semi-normal or not. And that made a difference for me.

I should note here that my main motivation for wanting weight loss surgery was not all that complicated. I did not hate myself at 300 pounds. In fact, I loved myself, valued myself, did the work (see part 3) I needed to do to feel confident and sexy and worthy at any size. So it wasn’t really about vanity or confidence or looks. I was on blood pressure medication but was otherwise healthy. I didn’t have diabetes and my blood sugar and cholesterol were in check so my motivator wasn’t even really health. It was movement. I wanted to have enough weight off my body so that maybe my feet would get better (they did) and so I could hike and not huff and puff. My heart was healthy enough to get me up a hill, but I was carrying 150 extra pounds and it was HARD! I wanted to just be a “normal” sized person and to be normally out of breath at the top of a hill. I wanted to move my body outside more without the limitations I had as someone between 270-295 pounds.

On December 5th, 2013, I had about 75% of my stomach removed and a hiatal hernia repaired. I got there at 6:00 in the morning for my 8:30am surgery and up until I was wheeled into the operating room, I was wondering when I was going to call my bluff. I walked into that hospital fully sure that I’d walk out saying “Just kidding! Not gunna, no way!” I was terrified. This was for real and this was forever.

Surgery Date: 12/5/13

Day of Surgery 12/5/13

And although my recovery was atypically long and painful, once I was through it, the weight just melted off. I lost 70 pounds in the first 4 ½ months and once I started exercising, things screeched down to a moderate 5 pounds a month. But those 5 pounds have been coming off consistently and I’m stronger and faster and in better shape than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

This is where you find me now. 10 months post op from VSG, down over 100 pounds, working out 4-6 days a week (more on that later, I’m sure). It has been a wild, wild ride, let me tell you. And I think all the things I’ve learned along the way may be better said in another blog, as I have so so so much to say on that, but I will say this. I am so thankful to have received the gift of the sleeve and grateful to have lost the weight I have lost: while I don’t feel I have changed very much inside, I do feel as though I have become more fully myself. I walk and hike FOR FUN, I take any opportunity to get up and get moving, I’ve found work out classes and routines I am absolutely in love with. Life is so very very good.

Here are my 10 month progress photos. Picture on the left is 301.2 on 11/22/13, picture on the right is 200.0 on 10/5/14.

Thank you for tuning in and walking through this journey with me. If you are just catching up, here are links to Part One, Part Two and Part Three.  You can watch my WLS from beginning to end you YouTube as well.

Until next time, friends… make it a wonderful day!

10.5.14 - ten months Side

10 month progress pics

10.5.14 - ten months front

10 month progress pics