Category: Weight Loss Surgery

Double title: Don’t ruin a perfectly nice compliment vs. what makes you assume…..?

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I was feeling a bit confused on what I should title this blog entry. You’ll see why… On one hand, is it a lesson of the backhanded compliment or a lesson of making assumptions? I don’t know. I haven’t decided. You choose.

So I’m at the gym today, doing back day, which is my least favorite day, for two reasons. 1. I have a weak and easily injured back and have to be super careful with my form and lift pretty light and 2. it incorporates floor exercises like planks and weighted hip thrusts and so on that I find so dreadfully boring. It should be noted that I only did one of three rounds of those exercises today because… ugh. Most days I win at my workout and today was no different, but I did call it a day 2 rounds early. I still got over an hour of a good sweat in so…. I’m okay with it.

I’ve mentioned before that when I get to the gym, I get into my zone. I do my cardio during my one minute “rest” periods between sets and my music choice makes or breaks my zone for the day. I am very specific and particular about the music I have on my work out play list and (sidenote, by the way) sometimes I listen to the same 3 songs over and over again because that’s the way I’m feeling that day. Some days it’s all 80’s hair bands. Most days it’s a blend of all the things. *I’m off track here* MY POINT IS>>>> I get my groove on. I dance, I bop around, I lip sync. I don’t care. I’m having fun and if it’s not fun for me, I won’t do it.

I usually am ignored (preferred) or get side eye (whatever, who cares, I have no shame) when I’m dancing around the gym and busting my ass, but today there was a gentleman I could tell was kind of keeping an eye on me. We exchanged smiles and a brief hello as we moved around each other in the same space. Just as I was calling my first round of floor exercises also my last round, he came up and introduced himself. We’ll call him Dan (his name was not Dan); he was in VERY good shape and, as I found out a minute from now, was 65 and a retired track coach. Awesome! He shook my hand and said “I’ve been working out my entire life an have never seen anyone bring the party to the gym the way you do.” And he said it with mad respect. I was tickled pink! I exclaimed “THANK YOU! I have so much fun and just jive out to my tunes and it makes my work out so much better!” We chatted for a few minutes and it was very pleasant and then, at least for me, turned a bit backwards.

Keep in mind I have zero doubt that this gentleman was coming from a very well meaning place, and that he really, truly did have mad respect and admiration for WHAT HE COULD SEE of me and what I was doing there. He then proceeded to tell me about his friend who lost nearly 400 pounds in 3 years with a combination of diet and exercise. And about a facebook group that provided him with fitness motivation. And how diet and staying active is so important to weight loss. And so on.

*PAUSE*….. I’m a fat woman. I know this. I have taken drastic measures to not be. I have weighed less. I have weight A LOT more. Alas, I am still a fat woman. But I’m still a success story. ALL I WANTED was to be able to walk and move with some level of ease and without debilitating foot pain. To maintain a fit and healthy lifestyle. Check, check, check. Goal achieved. Do I hope to take off my regain? Absolutely. Do I work every day to make the best choices for my overall health? No question. Do I hate myself because I’m still heavy? FUCK NO. I bust my ass. I am relatively smart and funny, I’m educated, I’m an awesome fucking person and friend and family member and wife and employee. My weight does not define me. *granted, I think I’m just now finally figuring that out, but you catch my drift here, yes?*

So what’s the problem, right? I walked home from my workout and the conversation just wasn’t settling well. Again, I reiterate that I fully recognize that he was trying to give me kudos and make comment on my awesomeness (because duh); but what was bothering me was… why would he assume I was trying to lose weight? Why would he take it upon himself to provide advice or insight on how to lose weight? Not all fat girls want to be thin. Not all thin girls want to be thin! As my husband would say “none of us have the body we want” and as Fergie would say, I was just there “working on my fitness.” Granted, my arms are flying everywhere. I try to keep my belly tucked away, but I can’t do anything about my booty and jiggly thighs. And it’s okay, gosh darn it.

Here’s the thing. I don’t look at Ashley Graham and think “she’s so pretty and fantastic, but poor girl just can’t get the weight off.

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You know what I think when I see this photo? I am mad jelly that I have two tummy rolls that prevent me from wearing a two piece (even a tankini is questionable for my body). She’s fucking gorgeous and her confidence EXUDES from her. I bet she eats well and works out. I bet she does things to take care of her body and treat it like the temple that it is.

You know what I see when I look at this picture?

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YOU GO GIRL! I think, that person is curvy and sweaty and HAPPY. Overweight? Yeah, I guess, that’s true, too, but it’s not the first thing I see (shocking, I know). If this person was not me, I wouldn’t see her at the gym and think “oh, good for her for trying to lose weight” I’d think “fuck yeah for working their shit, WHATEVER THAT MAY MEAN for that person.” Do you see where I’m going with this?

“Good job” and … “here is some advice on how to lose weight” does not feel like the compliment I know it was intended to be. It feels bad. The TRUTH is, I AM working on losing weight. I am. But Dan doesn’t know that. And it shouldn’t be assumed that I want to be talked to about it when I’m busting my ass and dancing around and all smiles. Dan doesn’t know anything about me or where I’ve come from and it doesn’t feel good to have that journey be assumed by someone you have never met. For all he knows, I’m not trying to lose weight at all and am perfectly content. I can talk weight loss and struggles and successes and failures and hear difficult feedback and thoughts and advice from people who KNOW me and know what my daily struggles are. I welcome those conversations because they are coming from people who are like my family.

But, Dan, “you rock and keep up the great work” would have sufficed.

I’m going to make it my personal mission to tell five people in the next week that I recognize their hard work. Period. No “but” and no advice. Just a non assumptive, good ‘ole recognition of their awesomeness.

End Rant. Happy Easter Weekend, friends! ❤

Turkey Stock!

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I seem to be able to connive my family out of the turkey carcass every year. I break it into two large hunks and make two big batches, combine the broth together, then cook it and freeze it to use throughout the year. It’s SO YUMMY and a great way to recycle and use all the leftover turkey parts!

Ingredients for EACH crockpot batch

  • 1/2 turkey carcass
  • 2 medium yellow onions, coarsely chopped (large pieces)
  • 7 organic carrots, diced
  • 1 small bunch of organic celery, diced
  • 1/2 turnip, diced
  • 1 parsnip, diced
  • 1/2 bunch of organic parsley
  • 3 sprigs of fresh rosemary (optional)
  •  5 leaves of fresh sage (optional)
  • 2 bay leaves

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INSTRUCTIONS

  1. Throw it all in a large crockpot, fill with water and cook on low for 8-10 hours. (having done this twice, I recommend putting the carcass in first, then the veggies so the bones are fully submerged).
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    Before shot of batch #2

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    After shot of batch #1

  2.  

    Once the time is up, set up a fine mesh colander and ladle the soup, carcass and veggies into the strainer, emptying into the garbage every few minutes as it gets full, ensuring it’s drained well each time.  20161127_092956_resized

  3. If you are doing two batches, like I needed to do b/c my turkey carcass was THAT big, combine all the soup together and fully cool overnight.
  4. I measure the soup into 1.5 to 3.5 cup jar serving sizes, label and freeze, so I know exactly how much is in there when I need it for a recipe. Be sure to leave a little room in the jars for the broth to expand in the freezer, which it will. Even with cooled soup, never fill a jar of liquid to the top and then freeze it… it will expand and you’ll have a very frozen, very broken jar of soup on your hands (can you tell I’ve done that a time or two?)

I use this stock throughout the year and it really does make the BEST soups. I had a ham hock on hand and made a Ham Hock Vegetable Soup using the fresh broth and it was DIVINE! If you also have a ham hock on hand, get to stocking your freezer for deliciousness!

The Story of Us (me and my fat) Part Four

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I had considered weight loss surgery before I actually REALLY considered weight loss surgery. In part I rejected the idea because I personally didn’t feel comfortable with the lap-band or with the gastric bypass/ RNY options. I didn’t know about the sleeve surgery when I first started researching and once I did, I started giving it more thought. I also originally rejected VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) because, frankly, I didn’t want to give up all my favorite foods. I wanted to eat what I wanted when I wanted, as much as I wanted. But my weight was creeping back up scarily toward 300 and eventually I had just had enough. My feet and ankles hurt, my clothes were too tight and I was physically uncomfortable much of the time.

I had maintained a relatively healthy lifestyle for several years; I ate mostly Paleo, I tried to exercise regularly and I did at least one cleanse a year. Yes, I drank wine and ate carbs and didn’t move as much as I wanted to due to both my size and my heel spurts. But I couldn’t lose weight. When I made the decision in August 2013 to get the surgery, I went in full steam ahead. I had all my appointments within a few weeks, my date was set in late October and I was ready to start my new life.

To prepare myself, I spent hours and hours and hours on Facebook WLS (weight loss surgery) groups, talking to other WLS patients at different spots throughout their journey and watching YouTube videos. There is a whole community for weight loss surgery patients and I gained a wealth of knowledge from them. Although you cannot fully know what to expect until you go through it yourself, I had at least gathered enough experiences to know if something I was going through was semi-normal or not. And that made a difference for me.

I should note here that my main motivation for wanting weight loss surgery was not all that complicated. I did not hate myself at 300 pounds. In fact, I loved myself, valued myself, did the work (see part 3) I needed to do to feel confident and sexy and worthy at any size. So it wasn’t really about vanity or confidence or looks. I was on blood pressure medication but was otherwise healthy. I didn’t have diabetes and my blood sugar and cholesterol were in check so my motivator wasn’t even really health. It was movement. I wanted to have enough weight off my body so that maybe my feet would get better (they did) and so I could hike and not huff and puff. My heart was healthy enough to get me up a hill, but I was carrying 150 extra pounds and it was HARD! I wanted to just be a “normal” sized person and to be normally out of breath at the top of a hill. I wanted to move my body outside more without the limitations I had as someone between 270-295 pounds.

On December 5th, 2013, I had about 75% of my stomach removed and a hiatal hernia repaired. I got there at 6:00 in the morning for my 8:30am surgery and up until I was wheeled into the operating room, I was wondering when I was going to call my bluff. I walked into that hospital fully sure that I’d walk out saying “Just kidding! Not gunna, no way!” I was terrified. This was for real and this was forever.

Surgery Date: 12/5/13

Day of Surgery 12/5/13

And although my recovery was atypically long and painful, once I was through it, the weight just melted off. I lost 70 pounds in the first 4 ½ months and once I started exercising, things screeched down to a moderate 5 pounds a month. But those 5 pounds have been coming off consistently and I’m stronger and faster and in better shape than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

This is where you find me now. 10 months post op from VSG, down over 100 pounds, working out 4-6 days a week (more on that later, I’m sure). It has been a wild, wild ride, let me tell you. And I think all the things I’ve learned along the way may be better said in another blog, as I have so so so much to say on that, but I will say this. I am so thankful to have received the gift of the sleeve and grateful to have lost the weight I have lost: while I don’t feel I have changed very much inside, I do feel as though I have become more fully myself. I walk and hike FOR FUN, I take any opportunity to get up and get moving, I’ve found work out classes and routines I am absolutely in love with. Life is so very very good.

Here are my 10 month progress photos. Picture on the left is 301.2 on 11/22/13, picture on the right is 200.0 on 10/5/14.

Thank you for tuning in and walking through this journey with me. If you are just catching up, here are links to Part One, Part Two and Part Three.  You can watch my WLS from beginning to end you YouTube as well.

Until next time, friends… make it a wonderful day!

10.5.14 - ten months Side

10 month progress pics

10.5.14 - ten months front

10 month progress pics

The Story of Us (me and my fat) Part Three

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My 26th year started with me at 320 pounds, (see here for Part Two) totally miserable, chronically single and stuck in a destructive diet/binge mentality. And then the movie “Supersize Me” happened. And it literally changed my life. As I mentioned in Part Two, I was eating McDonald’s almost every day. Once I saw “Supersize Me,” that changed immediately and I quit cold turkey. Within 2 months, I had dropped about 20 pounds and I had not even tried; all from cutting out my almost nightly McDonald’s binges.

At this point I felt ready and willing to date… to put myself out there. I had NO idea how to do it, so I signed up for several online dating websites and put myself out in the field. And I started to date! And it was amazing and interesting and heart wrenching and awful and beautiful all at the same time. Because I had not dated since I was 19, I actually FELT like I managed those “relationships” as though I was 19. I had few boyfriends, but several lovers and many, many, MANY dates. In starting my dating in my mid-twenties, I didn’t fully know how to relate to men OR myself WITH men! I got put into a “friends with benefits” category more often than not because I didn’t know how to stand up for what I wanted. Deep down, I felt like I should take what I could get. It took two pivotal affairs that left me feeling absolutely broken, worn and determined to do better that put me into therapy at 28. That therapist was, to this day, one of the most influential people in my life. She encouraged me to attend a handful of Adult Children of Alcoholics 12 step program which then led me to Codependents Anonymous (CODA).

I was in the CODA program and worked the 12 steps for about two years. I put in the time and I did the work. I began to finally feel worthy. I realized so many things throughout that process. In beginning to heal how I related in all relationships, I was able to come from a place of self-love and self-acceptance for the first time in my entire life, that I can remember. I was still obese and I was still always trying to lose weight, but I worked out, I cooked more whole food recipes, ate less processed food and maintained a weight of around 275 for many years.

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275 pounds

By the time I was 31, I had bought a home, found a legitimate boyfriend who genuinely cared for me (we are still together), and started going to a local boot camp program. And here things accelerate a bit. Boot camp led me to lose 10 pounds (at the time I went from 285 to 275. At 275, not able to fudge the scale further, I started working with an amazing naturopath. With her help, I got down to 265. And again the scale froze. My naturopath wrote me a prescription for injectable HCG (human growth hormone) and I did that for 2 rounds and lost 32 pounds, getting me down to my lowest adult weight at the time of 232. I felt AMAZING!!!

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235 pounds

And then I went on vacation. My boyfriend and I went to Maui and I ate POUNDS of cheese and drank A LOT of wine. And… when you’ve had 500 calories for 6 weeks and no carbs for 2 weeks following that and already have a deprivation issue… I ate everything in sight. I gained the 32 pounds plus another 30 and was back to 290 within 15 months.

By this time, I couldn’t continue with boot camp as I had developed heel spurs and could barely walk at all, much less work out. I couldn’t shop, hike, go for walks or do anything that involved prolonged standing on my feet due to the intense pain I had from the spurs. I was couch-bound, spending thousands of dollars on treatment and back on the diet rampage. My diets looked different by this time, however, and I was doing juice cleanses and Whole30s and eating Paleo 80% of the time. It was the inactivity and the other 20% of the time that was the problem.

By summer 2013, it occurred to me to consider surgery options. And we’ll go there next! Stay tuned for part four of four of The Story of Us (Me and My Fat).

If you’re just catching up, here are links to Part One and Part Two again!